Doubt

Doubt - to be uncertain about or question. That is the definition of the word doubt.

The past month I have experienced a lot of this all to familiar word "doubt", and I wish I could say I was alone. I know many others that struggle with that word as well, yet in many different contexts.

I started reading an unexpected book. It was unexpected because I had been praying about what God wanted me to read, and I thought I knew where he was directing me. The online search began and all I found was a German translation, uh... that won't work. Then I realized I bet we have some at the church office, it had been used for a previous study and surely there was left over copies. I searched the office for the book, the particular one I was looking for was no where to be found. Scanning one more time in hopes that it was just misplaced, there was another book that seemed to scream out to me or stand out like a BOLD font. The title of the book was "God's Leading -  7 ways to know God is Leading You" by R.E. Clark. Not a famous author, not a best seller, not even in bookstores. I had heard about R.E. Clark through our pastor and knew he was a great preacher and theologian. BUT, why would God be directing me to this type of book, that is not even around the same concept that I thought He was leading me to previously. I thought I was looking for a Psalm 23 books on comfort in trouble times, hope in the mist of pain, and answers to my questions. Why this book? As my thoughts raced to find reasoning...I do let God lead my life, I know God leads my life, why would I need this book. Determined this was NOT the book intended for me I decided to read the back just to confirm my thought process. As I began to read the first line my heart stopped... "Your life's journey can be filled with many questions."

Ok God, I get it! This is the book I am suppose to read! (This was my God slap! I always say that God has a way of slapping me the face when He wants me to know something. Some people call it different things like God sightings, a nudge from God, etc. I call it a slap, because it takes a slap to get my attention sometimes. The word slap is not intended to be negative, it is a positive for me, because I know when God does this it is meant to get my full attention.)

As I refocused from the jolt of the slap,  I continued to read the back cover. Each bullet that I read resonated in my heart and created a hunger to know more about what God wanted to tell me.
"You will find:

• Strength for the journey
• Answers to your questions
• Order for a busy life
• Light for a darkened path
• Courage in the face of trails
• A friend in times of trouble
• A song for your heart

I have already learned so much from reading the book and that will have to be another blog. For now though I will leave you with my BIGGEST take away from this experience....

The times my life is in DOUBT, is the times that I am trying to lead myself. 

Let God Lead!

Bitter Sweet

Bitter Sweet is what today has been.
That term "bitter sweet" has always seemed odd to me, how can something be bitter and sweet all at the same time. It seems to defy logic and understanding that you can have two very opposite things happening at the same time.
How did God create such elaborate emotions that you can fill the utmost joy and the utmost pain all at the same time? It seems like your heart can split right down the middle!
Death to me is bitter sweet...
You can't help feel bitter when you lose someone you love. You long to be able to pick up the phone and call them, but you can't.. You long to give them a warm embrace one last time and remember the smell and the moment, but you can't.. You long to look them in the eyes and let them know how much you love them, but you can't.. You long to hear them say in their individual accent and tone that they love you, but they can't..You long to hold their hand and be comforted by their touch, but you can't..
We take these moments for granted when our loved ones are alive and miss them so much when they are gone? They are not regrets just things that we long to continue to experience with the ones we love. We want to continue to make memories, continue to share stories, continue to love and be loved, but we can't - at least not here on earth. 
That is where the sweetness begins...
The sweetness is knowing they will never be in pain again, never.. Knowing they will never be sad or afraid again, never.. Knowing they will never grow old again, never.. Knowing they are reunited with the ones they love that went before them, for eternity.. Knowing that God has prepared a place for them, for eternity.. Knowing this is what they wanted more than anything - to see Jesus face to face, to live with Him, for eternity..
Knowing this is not our eternal home makes the sweetness out way the bitter. This life is just a blink of an eye compared to eternity.
Does knowing that make the sadness go away, no! We are sad because we want them here with us. Is that wrong, I don't believe so...  It is okay to be sad and to long for those moments, yet always looking and waiting for that day when we will be reunited in heaven.
June Irene Wooten, a wonderful grandma that I loved with all my heart went to be with The Lord on Monday.  I KNOW that was the greatest day of her life, and I know there was a big smile on her face. I will miss her until I see her again one glorious day.  

Filling my empty heart...

Labor Day weekend and NO work today! Usually that means I can sleep in, but today was a little different because when I woke up at 7am this morning I could not go back to sleep. That is always frustrating, but I knew there was no fighting it. So i got up and it still seemed a little dark for 7am but I proceeded to make a pot of coffee then start my quiet time. As i gathered my coffee and Bible I realized it was starting to rain, so I decided there would be no better place for my quiet time than on the back porch. It was perfect!

I love being outside with The Lord, there is just something about that environment that makes me feel even closer to Him. On the same hand when I am outside I can become very distracted from my reading and catch myself just gazing at His beauty. This morning was no different as I start reading Proverbs 1. I made it through the brief reading then went to my study Bible to dive a little deeper, then it happened - the distraction. As the rain started to fall a little harder and the wind started to blow a cool breeze, I found myself lost in the wonders of HIs creation. The more I leaned into the sound of the rain and wind my heart became heavier and heavier. It has been over a week since Kailey went to college and I had thought that things were better, but this morning was proving otherwise. As the rain feel it was like a reflection of how I felt and i began to cry. 

I began to pray and ask God why this had been so hard for me? This is where I want her to be, this is what I want her to be doing, I am excited to see what He has planned for her; yet my heart is breaking. I asked Him to put the broken pieces back together and wondered how it could ever be whole again. My heart felt so empty.

As a mother we always give our hearts away to our husbands, kids, family, friends, and everyone that we come in contact with and sometimes there seems like there is nothing left except emptiness. Sometimes we expect that emptiness to be filled with things or people, yet nothing ever seems to work. That is when He steps in, just like the rain fills the rivers and streams - He fills the emptiness inside of our heart. I feel like the rain was a way of Him showing me that He is filling my heart with new things. It will be filled with more of His word, it will be filled with more of His love, and it will be filled with more of His grace.

I know this is just a moment in time and I know in the journey of life this is a small piece of the puzzle. I am so thankful that I serve a God that walks with me even in the smallest matters of the heart. 

I am thankful for rain because it fills an empty heart. 

What I didn't do in Ecuador...

This is a blog that I started on the way home from Ecuador.

What I didn't do in Ecador...
It is 3:47 am and I am on the red eye coming back home from a week long trip to Ecuador. I have a new understanding of "red eye" flight, as I sit here unable to sleep even though I am mentally and physically exhausted. My mind is filled with all of the things that I want to capture in my data bank of memories about our visit. There was so much beauty from the people, culture, and the country.
As I try to think of how to capture my visit, I am taken back to something a very wise man told us when we arrived. He said "When people ask you what you did in Ecuador, don't tell them what you did - tell them what God did in you this week." That is why my entry is call "What I didn't do in Ecuador". God definitely did it all.. Here are just a few things that I didn't do...

Listen...... As I was packing, I was trying to pack as little as possible. (this is hard for me because I want to bring everything) I was in the middle of getting all of my toiletries when I came across a small compact mirror. I really struggled on wheather to take this small item for what seemed like 5 minutes. Why would this one small item give me such anx? As I rationalized in my head that I am not a person that cares about how I look most of the time, there was no need for me to carry this small compact. It was weird that I would struggle so much with this decision, so what did I do - I did not pack it.  
When we arrived at the Happiness Foundation we were told the casa that we would be staying in did not have a mirror, which at the time I did not think was a big deal. Then I realized quickly that things are much harder to do without a mirror. Why didn't I just pack the compact, it would not have added weight to my luggage?
Then it hit me... God was going a head of me trying to equip me with even the smallest of items, a mirror. Why did I not listen when I was packing or even realize this was something He was trying to tell me? In my quiet time I realized He was trying to teach me a bigger lesson than to just bring a mirror with you on a mission trip. 
It has always been easy for me to trust Him in my life for the BIG things, but I find myself making my own decisions on the smaller things in my life. Why did/do I feel like He doesn't have time to help me or be with me in the small things in my life? Why do I feel like a bother when I come to Him for small things? Is it because I think I shouldn't take the time away from others that need Him more than me? Or that He doesn't have time for me? 
I learned this week that no matter the circumstance BIG/SMALL He is right there with me. He is my Heavenly Father and wants to be involved in the simplest things in my life - even providing me a mirror. It overwhelms my brain to know that the creator of the universe cares and loves me enough to show me and guide me with even the smallest of things, a mirror.

Serve... I went to Ecuador with the purpose of serving those in need, and maybe even finding a cute little one to bring home. My intentions were good, but not what God intended for me. This experience was nothing like I had imagined. I think that sometimes when people go on a mission trip they go with the intentions of helping others and being able to walk away with such a sense of pride for how they served The Lord. What I didn't expect was to be served... Served by our host, served by our cooks (which we're AMAZING), served by the kids and their house moms/dads.. Served in a way that made me stand in awe.. Served in a way that was so different from what I intended to do through serving. They served us with no expectations of anything in return, with the truest of hearts, and with love that was emotionally and physically visible. They have nothing yet gave all they had. One of the first gifts I received from one of the kids was a  piece of candy. Candy, something we take for granted but yet they don't get very often and they wanted me to have it.. How can candy move you to tears - when u know it was given to you in the greatest of love. I pray that I can be more like that!

I did nothing on this trip...... my Heavenly Father did it all. 

He used this trip to bring me closer to Him and to see everyday what it looks like to die to self and become more like Him. Im so grateful that He sees past the person I am, a sinner, and loves me. That He sacrificed EVERYTHING for me. That He wants a personal relationship with ME. (and you if you allow Him)

It is truly overwhelming how His love is so intimate and individualized to each one of His children.

FOREVER CHANGED
Dawn 

Birthday Madness Week!

Just to clarify, it is not my birthday week. It is MY KIDS! This week is always filled with many highs and many lows, and it creates a joyous madness (if that is possible).

I have always said my kids are 2 years and 4 days apart - well Tyler so graciously corrected me the other day and said it was 1 year and 361 days. Kailey was born on April 24, 1996 and Tyler was born on April 20, 1998. It actually has made birthday parties a breeze, knocking out two at one time.

"Birthday week", as it has come to me know as, starts out with the planning of birthday week in the beginning of April. What do want for your birthday, what do you want to do for your birthday, all the same things, yet doubled. That is typically the easiest part for me, I just throw out a ton of suggestions and they choose.

This year the kids wanted to have a good ole Cajun birthday. A shrimp boil! So I found a fantastic invitation on Etsy.com (if you don't know what this is you are missing out), and the plans began. 45 (yes I said 45) of our closest family and friends were invited. This is where the stress begins. I LOVE throwing parties! I am also a perfectionist - these two things sometimes do not work in tandem. The party would consist of a HUGE bonfire, batting boiled eggs (this is one of our Easter traditions - don't knock it until you try it, it is TONS of FUN), a game of egg war (ouch), and last but not least a few water balloons to get everyone wet.

We had a great night and everything went well, however with all of the madness I was not really concentrating on what the weekend was really about - EASTER. I actually found myself dreading going to church the next morning. It had been so busy that I was just exhausted.

Easter morning was actually Ty's birthday so he was excited he could drive. He drove a friend into town to have an early breakfast at the Centerton Diner. Me, Kailey, my mom, and dad meet Ty at church that morning for the early service. Even as I was pulling into the parking lot I was not looking forward to the service. I had heard the speaker several times and it was always a similar message. As I sat through church my thoughts were on going home to cook Easter dinner and getting my house back in order after the birthday party. Then as the invitation was being given and people were coming to the front of the church to give their life to Christ.... my heart sank. This weekend was not about me or my kids, it was about the greatest gift anyone could give us - the gift of eternity. How could I be so caught up in myself that I missed the greatest celebration! Satan has a grand scheme of keeping us focused on the wrong things. We let the world consume our time and energy, we believe Satan's lies, and we try to justify it all. Our kids need to be in every activity under the sun, they need to have a great birthday parties, etc. The thing of it is though is none of those things are bad in and of themselves. It is when it takes away from our time with God, our relationship with Christ, and takes our attitudes from bad to worse - that is what I failed to see. 19 people were saved that Easter morning! 19 people that if they would not heard that ole familiar speaker might not live eternity in heaven. WOW. God showed me (again) that when I am consumed with myself I CANNOT be consumed with Him.

I feel like God has used my quiet time this week to really redirect my focus off of me and onto Him. Showing me not to complain and humble myself (Philippians 2:3,14) and most importantly not being anxious for anything (Philippians 4:4-7).  I am typically not a worrier, however I know He is preparing me. Preparing me for the negative/overwhelming sadness of my kids getting older, graduation, and college.

As I sit here wrapping up my thoughts Kailey will be 18 in about an hour. sniff sniff cry cry! Emotions are high! I just got done telling Kailey her birthday story. Every year on the night before their birthday I tell them their birthday story. I explain my excitement of finding out we were pregnant, the joy of feeling them move in side my tummy, the pain of labor :), and the awe of holding them in my arms the first time. Needless to say they humor me by letting me to continue this tradition. Telling the story brings back a flood of emotions that is hard to describe. After the story I always quote "I love you forever, I like you for always - as long as I am living my baby you'll be" (great book I always read to them). Then I end by singing an old Sandi Patty song "Masterpiece", it goes something like this...
"Before you had a name, or opened up your eyes, or anyone could recognize your face. You were being formed, so delicate in size. Secluded in God's safe and hidden place. With your little tiny hands, and your little tiny feet, and little eyes that shimmer like a pearl. He breathed in you a song, and to make it all complete, He brought the masterpiece into the world. You are a masterpiece, a new creation He has formed and your as soft and fresh as a snowy winter morn. I'm so glad that God has given you to me. Little lamb of God, you are a masterpiece."

The next few months will be emotionally challenging for me. I pray for strength, wisdom, and that I will keep Him at the focus of it all. I know that He holds my kids in His hands and that He has plans for them to prosper.

I am soooooo thankful that He choose ME to be their mother. It is the greatest gift I have ever been given.

 

 

I love you Kailey and Ty!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Retirement

Well March 17th was officially my last day to work for Walmart. It was a bitter sweet day!

I was blessed to have worked for the largest retailer in the world and do something that I LOVE to do, training and development. I know that Walmart gets a bad rap, however I can honestly tell you there is no where else in the world that I would have been given the opportunities that I had at Walmart. I never really talked about what I did for Walmart with non-associates (people who don't work for Walmart); not because I didn't love it - just because everyone outside of NWA always thought I worked in a store. Sometimes it was easier to go along instead of trying to explain what I really did.  It is hard to sum up 19 years, however here it is in a nut shell.....I started as a young country girl from LA (Lower Arkansas) and ended working with some of the top executives of the organization. WOW, it is still hard to believe the privileges I have been given, the things I have seen, and the things I have learned. I knew I would be there until I was old and retired - well that is what I get for making my own plans. God had different plans in place for me.

Sometimes when God open doors they are slow and take time to see the bigger picture - then there are times that it happens in a flash. God did a work in my family through this process and that is what I really want to share.

My story starts with an AMAZING women, Janet Pate. Many of you may have seen my Facebook post about my friend Janet and her battle with cancer. She was a joy and an inspiration. Janet lost her battle with cancer on December 26, 2013. The battle may have been lost on earth, yet she has GREAT victory in heaven. Janet was the assistant to our Youth Pastor at First Baptist Church Bentonville. Our family adored her and all that she did for the youth.

In late summer of 2013 there were plans for a 2014 summer youth trip to Quito Ecuador. I was privileged to be asked, along with three other great ladies, to help the fundraising process for Ecuador. Janet was the lead, however wanted some help. As summer started to turn into fall Janet's health was declining and I began to volunteer and take on some of the work on Thursday and Fridays (I only worked 3 days a week for Walmart). It was never meant to be permanent and only until the Ecuador fundraising was over or Janet's health got better. I loved being up there yet knew this was not my line of work - I am the thinker the big picture person and I have others do the details. This was a very detailed role with many moving parts. I was looking forward to turning back over everything to Janet. During the Thanksgiving holidays we found out Janet was not getting better, and the day after Christmas she went to be with the Lord. I continued to help and to try to take the burden of work off the grieving hearts at church. Still knowing this was only for a brief time, and after some time they would possibly hire someone for the position. NO ONE can ever take Janet's place or touch lives the way she did, and I knew whoever took this position would have some big shoes to fill.

A couple months went by - during this time I had been singing/praying one of my favorite songs, "Oceans" by Hillsong. Some of the lyrics that I had been singing/praying are below:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Then like a flash of light things started to happen.... All I can say is WOW and be careful what you pray for - you may get it!

Within a one week span I knew my job at Walmart was being restructured, that the position at the church was being filled, and that I was taking the position at the church. Talk about a whirlwind!
I know that makes it sound like it was all simple and smooth - well yes and no.

I always get a little laugh when I look back and see the way God is stitching things together. You may not see them and their connection in the beginning, however He will reveal His plan in time. For example; Kailey had been preparing for college (I know that is a whole other blog that involves lots of tissue) and has been a little stressed about scholarships and how college is going to be paid. We have had many late night discussions about trusting in the Lord, and knowing that He has good plans for  those who follow Him. Even more conversations about being obedient to where He is calling her to go to college, what to major in, and even becoming a Godly role model. Well little did I know I was going to have to take my own advise. I even admitted to Kailey that it is much harder to practice what you preach. When I was faced with some of those same fears it was hard to focus on all of the right things that you know are true of God's word.

I knew that if God was asking me to do this I had to be obedient no matter what - no matter pay, no matter if details were not my forte, and no matter how scared I was.  Even though I was scared of leaving what I knew and loved - I had TOTAL FAITH that if I was obedient God would reward me (I also knew rewards do not always = money). My reward was much greater than money, it was the faith of my family being expanded.

Lane and the kids got to see first hand the rewards in being obedient to His calling. We were all in awe at what God had orchestrated. They saw first hand how God can show up and show out if you follow His plan (not your own).

My Father HEARS me...

As I sit on a plane hundreds of miles above the U.S. I am reminded of how BIG my God is. I always have those little butterflies before I fly, however I am so lucky that I have a God that hears my prayers. All it takes is a few small words to let him know my fears and instantly I feel the comfort of His presence. I think sometimes I forget how close He is. He is only a prayer away.

Prayer is a big focus for me this year and He has lead me in this direction for a reason. I started my Bible plan this year in Psalm's, and immediately He showed me why Psalm's and why now. It is almost like the words He wanted me to focus on appeared bolded on the page. HEAR! My Heavenly Father wants me (little insignificant me) to know that He hears me... I have always know that He listens, or did I? I think it is one of those things that you know but you never think much about.  He wants me to know it is so much more. It only makes sense....... If He is asking me to make prayer a priority (praying over people, praying with others, laying hands on people, lifting my arms in the air when I pray) then He wants me to know that He is listening. I mean really listening! In Psalms alone He has shown me over 15 verses that clearly tell me 'He hears me'. WOW!

What I am learning more and more is that not only does He hear my words, more importantly He hears my heart. As I have been more diligent in praying I sometimes feel like I run out of words or I can't pray as eloquently as others. This is satan's attempt to hinder my prayer life. God is showing me the TRUTH - that words are not the only thing that matter and that my heart is full of things that I can not even express in words. It is so much more than the actual words. My heart is so much deeper than any words I can actually form and express verbally. I am so grateful that I can have a conversation with my Father either with words or just the yearning of my heart. I can pray in the privacy of my home, on a plane, in the streets of bentonville, individually, or with the greatest group of prayer warriors I know - yet the bottom line is no matter where I am or who I am with my Father HEARS me....