Filling my empty heart...

Labor Day weekend and NO work today! Usually that means I can sleep in, but today was a little different because when I woke up at 7am this morning I could not go back to sleep. That is always frustrating, but I knew there was no fighting it. So i got up and it still seemed a little dark for 7am but I proceeded to make a pot of coffee then start my quiet time. As i gathered my coffee and Bible I realized it was starting to rain, so I decided there would be no better place for my quiet time than on the back porch. It was perfect!

I love being outside with The Lord, there is just something about that environment that makes me feel even closer to Him. On the same hand when I am outside I can become very distracted from my reading and catch myself just gazing at His beauty. This morning was no different as I start reading Proverbs 1. I made it through the brief reading then went to my study Bible to dive a little deeper, then it happened - the distraction. As the rain started to fall a little harder and the wind started to blow a cool breeze, I found myself lost in the wonders of HIs creation. The more I leaned into the sound of the rain and wind my heart became heavier and heavier. It has been over a week since Kailey went to college and I had thought that things were better, but this morning was proving otherwise. As the rain feel it was like a reflection of how I felt and i began to cry. 

I began to pray and ask God why this had been so hard for me? This is where I want her to be, this is what I want her to be doing, I am excited to see what He has planned for her; yet my heart is breaking. I asked Him to put the broken pieces back together and wondered how it could ever be whole again. My heart felt so empty.

As a mother we always give our hearts away to our husbands, kids, family, friends, and everyone that we come in contact with and sometimes there seems like there is nothing left except emptiness. Sometimes we expect that emptiness to be filled with things or people, yet nothing ever seems to work. That is when He steps in, just like the rain fills the rivers and streams - He fills the emptiness inside of our heart. I feel like the rain was a way of Him showing me that He is filling my heart with new things. It will be filled with more of His word, it will be filled with more of His love, and it will be filled with more of His grace.

I know this is just a moment in time and I know in the journey of life this is a small piece of the puzzle. I am so thankful that I serve a God that walks with me even in the smallest matters of the heart. 

I am thankful for rain because it fills an empty heart. 

What I didn't do in Ecuador...

This is a blog that I started on the way home from Ecuador.

What I didn't do in Ecador...
It is 3:47 am and I am on the red eye coming back home from a week long trip to Ecuador. I have a new understanding of "red eye" flight, as I sit here unable to sleep even though I am mentally and physically exhausted. My mind is filled with all of the things that I want to capture in my data bank of memories about our visit. There was so much beauty from the people, culture, and the country.
As I try to think of how to capture my visit, I am taken back to something a very wise man told us when we arrived. He said "When people ask you what you did in Ecuador, don't tell them what you did - tell them what God did in you this week." That is why my entry is call "What I didn't do in Ecuador". God definitely did it all.. Here are just a few things that I didn't do...

Listen...... As I was packing, I was trying to pack as little as possible. (this is hard for me because I want to bring everything) I was in the middle of getting all of my toiletries when I came across a small compact mirror. I really struggled on wheather to take this small item for what seemed like 5 minutes. Why would this one small item give me such anx? As I rationalized in my head that I am not a person that cares about how I look most of the time, there was no need for me to carry this small compact. It was weird that I would struggle so much with this decision, so what did I do - I did not pack it.  
When we arrived at the Happiness Foundation we were told the casa that we would be staying in did not have a mirror, which at the time I did not think was a big deal. Then I realized quickly that things are much harder to do without a mirror. Why didn't I just pack the compact, it would not have added weight to my luggage?
Then it hit me... God was going a head of me trying to equip me with even the smallest of items, a mirror. Why did I not listen when I was packing or even realize this was something He was trying to tell me? In my quiet time I realized He was trying to teach me a bigger lesson than to just bring a mirror with you on a mission trip. 
It has always been easy for me to trust Him in my life for the BIG things, but I find myself making my own decisions on the smaller things in my life. Why did/do I feel like He doesn't have time to help me or be with me in the small things in my life? Why do I feel like a bother when I come to Him for small things? Is it because I think I shouldn't take the time away from others that need Him more than me? Or that He doesn't have time for me? 
I learned this week that no matter the circumstance BIG/SMALL He is right there with me. He is my Heavenly Father and wants to be involved in the simplest things in my life - even providing me a mirror. It overwhelms my brain to know that the creator of the universe cares and loves me enough to show me and guide me with even the smallest of things, a mirror.

Serve... I went to Ecuador with the purpose of serving those in need, and maybe even finding a cute little one to bring home. My intentions were good, but not what God intended for me. This experience was nothing like I had imagined. I think that sometimes when people go on a mission trip they go with the intentions of helping others and being able to walk away with such a sense of pride for how they served The Lord. What I didn't expect was to be served... Served by our host, served by our cooks (which we're AMAZING), served by the kids and their house moms/dads.. Served in a way that made me stand in awe.. Served in a way that was so different from what I intended to do through serving. They served us with no expectations of anything in return, with the truest of hearts, and with love that was emotionally and physically visible. They have nothing yet gave all they had. One of the first gifts I received from one of the kids was a  piece of candy. Candy, something we take for granted but yet they don't get very often and they wanted me to have it.. How can candy move you to tears - when u know it was given to you in the greatest of love. I pray that I can be more like that!

I did nothing on this trip...... my Heavenly Father did it all. 

He used this trip to bring me closer to Him and to see everyday what it looks like to die to self and become more like Him. Im so grateful that He sees past the person I am, a sinner, and loves me. That He sacrificed EVERYTHING for me. That He wants a personal relationship with ME. (and you if you allow Him)

It is truly overwhelming how His love is so intimate and individualized to each one of His children.

FOREVER CHANGED
Dawn 

Birthday Madness Week!

Just to clarify, it is not my birthday week. It is MY KIDS! This week is always filled with many highs and many lows, and it creates a joyous madness (if that is possible).

I have always said my kids are 2 years and 4 days apart - well Tyler so graciously corrected me the other day and said it was 1 year and 361 days. Kailey was born on April 24, 1996 and Tyler was born on April 20, 1998. It actually has made birthday parties a breeze, knocking out two at one time.

"Birthday week", as it has come to me know as, starts out with the planning of birthday week in the beginning of April. What do want for your birthday, what do you want to do for your birthday, all the same things, yet doubled. That is typically the easiest part for me, I just throw out a ton of suggestions and they choose.

This year the kids wanted to have a good ole Cajun birthday. A shrimp boil! So I found a fantastic invitation on Etsy.com (if you don't know what this is you are missing out), and the plans began. 45 (yes I said 45) of our closest family and friends were invited. This is where the stress begins. I LOVE throwing parties! I am also a perfectionist - these two things sometimes do not work in tandem. The party would consist of a HUGE bonfire, batting boiled eggs (this is one of our Easter traditions - don't knock it until you try it, it is TONS of FUN), a game of egg war (ouch), and last but not least a few water balloons to get everyone wet.

We had a great night and everything went well, however with all of the madness I was not really concentrating on what the weekend was really about - EASTER. I actually found myself dreading going to church the next morning. It had been so busy that I was just exhausted.

Easter morning was actually Ty's birthday so he was excited he could drive. He drove a friend into town to have an early breakfast at the Centerton Diner. Me, Kailey, my mom, and dad meet Ty at church that morning for the early service. Even as I was pulling into the parking lot I was not looking forward to the service. I had heard the speaker several times and it was always a similar message. As I sat through church my thoughts were on going home to cook Easter dinner and getting my house back in order after the birthday party. Then as the invitation was being given and people were coming to the front of the church to give their life to Christ.... my heart sank. This weekend was not about me or my kids, it was about the greatest gift anyone could give us - the gift of eternity. How could I be so caught up in myself that I missed the greatest celebration! Satan has a grand scheme of keeping us focused on the wrong things. We let the world consume our time and energy, we believe Satan's lies, and we try to justify it all. Our kids need to be in every activity under the sun, they need to have a great birthday parties, etc. The thing of it is though is none of those things are bad in and of themselves. It is when it takes away from our time with God, our relationship with Christ, and takes our attitudes from bad to worse - that is what I failed to see. 19 people were saved that Easter morning! 19 people that if they would not heard that ole familiar speaker might not live eternity in heaven. WOW. God showed me (again) that when I am consumed with myself I CANNOT be consumed with Him.

I feel like God has used my quiet time this week to really redirect my focus off of me and onto Him. Showing me not to complain and humble myself (Philippians 2:3,14) and most importantly not being anxious for anything (Philippians 4:4-7).  I am typically not a worrier, however I know He is preparing me. Preparing me for the negative/overwhelming sadness of my kids getting older, graduation, and college.

As I sit here wrapping up my thoughts Kailey will be 18 in about an hour. sniff sniff cry cry! Emotions are high! I just got done telling Kailey her birthday story. Every year on the night before their birthday I tell them their birthday story. I explain my excitement of finding out we were pregnant, the joy of feeling them move in side my tummy, the pain of labor :), and the awe of holding them in my arms the first time. Needless to say they humor me by letting me to continue this tradition. Telling the story brings back a flood of emotions that is hard to describe. After the story I always quote "I love you forever, I like you for always - as long as I am living my baby you'll be" (great book I always read to them). Then I end by singing an old Sandi Patty song "Masterpiece", it goes something like this...
"Before you had a name, or opened up your eyes, or anyone could recognize your face. You were being formed, so delicate in size. Secluded in God's safe and hidden place. With your little tiny hands, and your little tiny feet, and little eyes that shimmer like a pearl. He breathed in you a song, and to make it all complete, He brought the masterpiece into the world. You are a masterpiece, a new creation He has formed and your as soft and fresh as a snowy winter morn. I'm so glad that God has given you to me. Little lamb of God, you are a masterpiece."

The next few months will be emotionally challenging for me. I pray for strength, wisdom, and that I will keep Him at the focus of it all. I know that He holds my kids in His hands and that He has plans for them to prosper.

I am soooooo thankful that He choose ME to be their mother. It is the greatest gift I have ever been given.

 

 

I love you Kailey and Ty!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Retirement

Well March 17th was officially my last day to work for Walmart. It was a bitter sweet day!

I was blessed to have worked for the largest retailer in the world and do something that I LOVE to do, training and development. I know that Walmart gets a bad rap, however I can honestly tell you there is no where else in the world that I would have been given the opportunities that I had at Walmart. I never really talked about what I did for Walmart with non-associates (people who don't work for Walmart); not because I didn't love it - just because everyone outside of NWA always thought I worked in a store. Sometimes it was easier to go along instead of trying to explain what I really did.  It is hard to sum up 19 years, however here it is in a nut shell.....I started as a young country girl from LA (Lower Arkansas) and ended working with some of the top executives of the organization. WOW, it is still hard to believe the privileges I have been given, the things I have seen, and the things I have learned. I knew I would be there until I was old and retired - well that is what I get for making my own plans. God had different plans in place for me.

Sometimes when God open doors they are slow and take time to see the bigger picture - then there are times that it happens in a flash. God did a work in my family through this process and that is what I really want to share.

My story starts with an AMAZING women, Janet Pate. Many of you may have seen my Facebook post about my friend Janet and her battle with cancer. She was a joy and an inspiration. Janet lost her battle with cancer on December 26, 2013. The battle may have been lost on earth, yet she has GREAT victory in heaven. Janet was the assistant to our Youth Pastor at First Baptist Church Bentonville. Our family adored her and all that she did for the youth.

In late summer of 2013 there were plans for a 2014 summer youth trip to Quito Ecuador. I was privileged to be asked, along with three other great ladies, to help the fundraising process for Ecuador. Janet was the lead, however wanted some help. As summer started to turn into fall Janet's health was declining and I began to volunteer and take on some of the work on Thursday and Fridays (I only worked 3 days a week for Walmart). It was never meant to be permanent and only until the Ecuador fundraising was over or Janet's health got better. I loved being up there yet knew this was not my line of work - I am the thinker the big picture person and I have others do the details. This was a very detailed role with many moving parts. I was looking forward to turning back over everything to Janet. During the Thanksgiving holidays we found out Janet was not getting better, and the day after Christmas she went to be with the Lord. I continued to help and to try to take the burden of work off the grieving hearts at church. Still knowing this was only for a brief time, and after some time they would possibly hire someone for the position. NO ONE can ever take Janet's place or touch lives the way she did, and I knew whoever took this position would have some big shoes to fill.

A couple months went by - during this time I had been singing/praying one of my favorite songs, "Oceans" by Hillsong. Some of the lyrics that I had been singing/praying are below:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Then like a flash of light things started to happen.... All I can say is WOW and be careful what you pray for - you may get it!

Within a one week span I knew my job at Walmart was being restructured, that the position at the church was being filled, and that I was taking the position at the church. Talk about a whirlwind!
I know that makes it sound like it was all simple and smooth - well yes and no.

I always get a little laugh when I look back and see the way God is stitching things together. You may not see them and their connection in the beginning, however He will reveal His plan in time. For example; Kailey had been preparing for college (I know that is a whole other blog that involves lots of tissue) and has been a little stressed about scholarships and how college is going to be paid. We have had many late night discussions about trusting in the Lord, and knowing that He has good plans for  those who follow Him. Even more conversations about being obedient to where He is calling her to go to college, what to major in, and even becoming a Godly role model. Well little did I know I was going to have to take my own advise. I even admitted to Kailey that it is much harder to practice what you preach. When I was faced with some of those same fears it was hard to focus on all of the right things that you know are true of God's word.

I knew that if God was asking me to do this I had to be obedient no matter what - no matter pay, no matter if details were not my forte, and no matter how scared I was.  Even though I was scared of leaving what I knew and loved - I had TOTAL FAITH that if I was obedient God would reward me (I also knew rewards do not always = money). My reward was much greater than money, it was the faith of my family being expanded.

Lane and the kids got to see first hand the rewards in being obedient to His calling. We were all in awe at what God had orchestrated. They saw first hand how God can show up and show out if you follow His plan (not your own).

My Father HEARS me...

As I sit on a plane hundreds of miles above the U.S. I am reminded of how BIG my God is. I always have those little butterflies before I fly, however I am so lucky that I have a God that hears my prayers. All it takes is a few small words to let him know my fears and instantly I feel the comfort of His presence. I think sometimes I forget how close He is. He is only a prayer away.

Prayer is a big focus for me this year and He has lead me in this direction for a reason. I started my Bible plan this year in Psalm's, and immediately He showed me why Psalm's and why now. It is almost like the words He wanted me to focus on appeared bolded on the page. HEAR! My Heavenly Father wants me (little insignificant me) to know that He hears me... I have always know that He listens, or did I? I think it is one of those things that you know but you never think much about.  He wants me to know it is so much more. It only makes sense....... If He is asking me to make prayer a priority (praying over people, praying with others, laying hands on people, lifting my arms in the air when I pray) then He wants me to know that He is listening. I mean really listening! In Psalms alone He has shown me over 15 verses that clearly tell me 'He hears me'. WOW!

What I am learning more and more is that not only does He hear my words, more importantly He hears my heart. As I have been more diligent in praying I sometimes feel like I run out of words or I can't pray as eloquently as others. This is satan's attempt to hinder my prayer life. God is showing me the TRUTH - that words are not the only thing that matter and that my heart is full of things that I can not even express in words. It is so much more than the actual words. My heart is so much deeper than any words I can actually form and express verbally. I am so grateful that I can have a conversation with my Father either with words or just the yearning of my heart. I can pray in the privacy of my home, on a plane, in the streets of bentonville, individually, or with the greatest group of prayer warriors I know - yet the bottom line is no matter where I am or who I am with my Father HEARS me....

CRAZY prayer circles.....

This past weekend was so POWERFUL for me. Little did I know that Lord had been working on this one event since the summer of 2011. I read the The Circle Maker the summer of 2011 and ever since felt God tugging on my heart to make my prayer life stronger. My first thought was "I pray a lot already how can it get stronger?" Well, needless to say God is patient and will wait until you get what he is trying to tell you.  :) I am so grateful for that.....
Summer 2011 I went on the mission trip with Kailey to Chicago. After witnessing the power in that church I felt God asking me to pray circles around that church, those kids, and our kids. I thought if I was praying in my quiet time that would be enough - it is enough, just not what God was asking of me specifically. I was not obedient! I felt those same tugs on several other occasions yet never acted on them, always thinking praying silently was sufficient. The enemy has a way of making you think that mediocracy is good enough for God. That is such a LIE! Our savior deserves the BEST we have to offer.
The book or a version of the book kept surfacing in my life. By the end of 2012 I had read every book Mark Batterson had written (I have always been good about asking God what he wants me to read, and I feel like he directs me to books that help enforce His word and what He is trying to teach/tell me - that could be a whole other blog entry.) Then the first Fuel ( a monthly youth event at FBC Bentonville) Ed Newton mentioned a powerful book he was reading. I was sitting on the edge of my seat to see what it was so I could download as soon as I got home that night (thinking God is telling me to read this book if it was worth mentioning). Then BOOM, he says The Circle Maker. My heart rejoiced because I knew how great the book was and at the same time sank because I knew God was giving me a little slap down :) Beth Whitlow asked me the name again and I told her the name and assured her it was a GREAT book. That evening on the way home I felt the guilt of disobedience. Beth starting reading that night and couldn't put the book down and keep texting me about her excitement of the book. With every text God was trying to show me what he wanted me to do - Be BOLD!
That leads us to the past weekend. In preparation for the Mom's Retreat and String of Pearls my heart was heavy wanting to give my BEST to these events. Friday we prepared all the last little details of the event and I was on my way home to get ready for the nights events. Then God asked me again to be bold and create a prayer circle around this event. I was scared to do this alone, then Beth's name popped in my mind. The text feed looked like this:
Dawn: What are you doing at 4:15
Beth: Something for you?
Dawn: Want to do something crazy
Beth: Right up my alley
Dawn: What do you think about walking around the church 7 times praying for the event tonight
Then the wait that felt like eternity; what would she say, would she think that I was off my rocker? I saw that she was typing her response....... then......
Beth: Awesomer than awesome!!!! I'm all in

PRAISE THE LORD!!! the affirmation I was asking for.

That afternoon me, Beth, Faith, Jeanine, and Kristy all circled the church 7 times praying for this event. Each time we stopped in front the entrance of the event holding hands and praying out loud. You could feel God's POWER. That night we felt His presence and knew He heard our prayers. The next night we went to the Embassy where the girls event was and prayed over the room and each chair where someone would be sitting. That night we felt the Holy Spirit in the room. I have never experienced His power in that magnitude before; however expect to feel it more often by praying circles around events and people.
I thank GOD for being patient and waiting on my obedience. I give Him ALL the glory!! I was just the sinner He asked something from and I was willing to give.
Thank you for your LOVE and MERCY. Thank you for calling my name.

Dawn

Do you "Get it"?

These are the notes that I took from "Fuel" at FBC Bentonville with Adam Robinson.

Do you think you can be a christian (saved) and not "get it"?

There are three phases of being saved.
1. I have been saved
2. I am being saved
3. I will be saved

1. I have been saved - Justification

• Romans 3:21-27
• We believe if we mess up we have to make it up to God or pay it off/work it off. That if I do something bad I can be good and make it up to God.
• God still loves Paul even though he had done evil. God's grace!
• When Jesus is in your heart God can look down on our filth and see Jesus' perfection.
• You have been justified with Jesus' blood.

2. I am being saved - Sanctification

• Philippians 2:12-13/I Peter 2:11/ Romans 8:12-14/I Thessalonians 5:23-24
• Sanctification is the process of becoming Holy.
• This process will be apart of you for the rest of your life.
• The choices you make either bring you closer or farther away to God. These are choices that you make on daily and hourly basis. What are you doing this second to bring you closer to God.
• If you eat cheesecake every night you might not gain weight over night, however if you do it every night for a month - you will gain weight. If you walk a mile every day you will not lose weight over night, however if you walk a mile every day for a month - you will lose weight. The same holds true for your walk with God. Over time the little pieces of quiet time, reading your bible, praying - if you do it every day it will bring you closer God.
• Is your life different than last year?
• Are you more God like today than you were a year ago?
• If not you "Got It" but you don't "GET IT". We can be a christian and be saved yet not be growing in Christ.

3. I will be saved - Glorification

• I Corinthians 15:42-44/50:53-56/58
• Glorification is You in Christ - when we get to heaven.
• You will never have to worry about death again.
• You will never have to worry anymore.
• You will have a new body.
• There is a goal - heaven. Your work in the Lord is never wasted here on earth.
• There is an end to this world.
• There is an end to the battles of this world, it will not last forever. Yet, heaven is for eternity.

What choices are you making?

Your life needs to focus on the "still being saved" - what are you doing to get closer to God everyday?